“Wait, what?”

Maya glances up once before looking back down at her shoes, scuffing the toe of one across the dusty concrete. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t.”

They’re standing on the front steps of Riley’s apartment building, because at the very last minute, Maya had decided that she didn’t want to have this conversation in the bay window, not when it had been the home of so many other amazing memories, so she’d stopped them before they entered the building, and now here they are, standing on the sidewalk, awkwardly squashed onto the steps so as not to block anyone else from walking by.

“What do you mean you can’t? Maya? What’s wrong?” 

She’d had all the words, not half an hour ago. Maya had planned all this out, she’d even written out a little dot point list of things she wanted to say, but now she can’t remember a single one. 

“I mean- I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t do this.” She pauses, steeling herself. “I can’t do us.”

Riley takes a step forward. “What? What do you mean- Maya, look at me.”

She doesn’t, she can’t, and in response Riley reaches out to take her hand. “Peaches.”

“Don’t!” Maya wrenches her hand away, wincing when Riley flinches, but keeping to her side of the steps. “Please. Don’t. I just can’t-”

“Stop saying that!” Riley startles at the loudness of her own voice, but doesn’t back down. “Stop saying that you can’t, what do you even mean? We were fine, we were perfect! What happened?”

Nothing happened, that’s the whole problem. Maya’s still the same person she’s always been. She’d thought she could change, be better, but she’s still the same girl. Still careless, still rash, still not good enough. Never good enough, but she’s always known that.

“Maya, please.” Riley’s voice is soft, and warm, and so full of love. “Tell me what’s wrong, tell me how to fix this.”

“There’s nothing for you to fix, it’s just me. I’m sorry, it’s a shitty excuse-”

“You’re right! It is! I don’t understand, Maya, what’s going on? You say you have something to tell me and it’s that you can’t do ‘us’ anymore? And you can’t even give me a proper reason why-!”

“Because I’m not good for you! Okay? Everyone knows that. I’m the bad influence, the hot mess, the fuckup who wasn’t even good enough for her dad to stick around. And you’re not perfect, Riley Matthews, but you’re pretty darn close! Girls like you shouldn’t be hanging around girls like me, shouldn’t be dating girls like me, god, what would your dad think-”

“He would be happy that I’m happy,” Riley interrupts quietly, “and he would love you, I know he would. He’d love you just as much as I do.”

“You shouldn’t,” Maya replies bitterly, kicking at the ground. “I’m not built to love.”

“I don’t care, I love you, anyway. I don’t care that everyone thinks you’re a bad influence, I don’t care that you think you’re not good for me, because I’m the only one who gets to make that decision, and guess what? You are.”

Riley takes her hands again, and this time Maya doesn’t shake them off. 

“Maya, I love you because we both make each other better. You’re the kindest, most understanding person I’ve ever met, and I wish you would stop putting yourself down just because you show goodness in a different way than I do. You’re not just good for me, peaches, you’re perfect.”

“You’re perfect for me, too,” Maya finally says, after a pause. “I just don’t- I’m not very good at this whole … relationships thing. No one’s ever stuck around long enough for me to figure them out.”

“Well, I’ll be here. As long as you want me, and even if you don’t, I’ll be here.”

And, it’s not a happily ever after. Maya’s still got a long way to go in terms of finding ways to love herself as much as she loves Riley, but she figures, as long as they’re together, things will work themselves out in the end.

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